In Memory

My sister, Kari, lost her baby last week.  She was 24 weeks along, and this was their first baby.  Everything had been perfect and normal, and they went into their OB for a regular appointment.  The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, so they did an ultrasound, when every mother-to-be's worst fear was confirmed.  Her baby was gone.  Her little boy that they (and all of us) wanted so badly.  We had learned a month or so ago that he was a little boy, and they had decided to name him Nolan.  Her words are so clear and I think I'll remember that feeling forever, the one I felt when she called me to tell me.  She told me, "Erica, I lost him."  My heart broke.  It feels like it's breaking again as I type this.

It was a Tuesday morning when she found out he was gone, and she had to be induced the following morning.  If things weren't hard enough, my poor sister was in labor for 22 hours before delivering her son.  The minister from her church came along to the hospital and performed such a sweet and sad baptism.  The nurses were amazing, and Kari's OB is even more wonderful.  Nolan had been turning and moving so much that his umbilical cord was twisted so tightly that his blood supply and nutrients were basically cut off.  The doctor said this is a complete "fluke" and is so rare he's only seen it a handful of times (and he's delivered 10,000 babies).

The following Saturday we had a small, family graveside burial.  We were literally supposed to be shopping and registering for her baby showers the day that we buried her sweet baby boy.  Life is not fair, we all know that, but this last week has been very hard.  Here is a poem I wrote and read at the memorial service.  I actually didn't think I was going to read it, I didn't think I'd be able to do it, so I left it in my wristlet that was with Kirsten's diaper bag.  When the time came and the pastor asked if anyone wanted to say anything, I decided I did want to do it.  Somehow, I made it through.

"Baby Nolan"

Last night I saw a shooting star, falling fast and bright.

I know it was you telling me, that we’ll all be all right.

No one could have warned us how this pain would feel,

Missing such a sweet little man, whose love is true and real.

We wish we’d got to spend more time with you on Earth,

Not enough were those months with you, leading to your birth.

We never saw your little smile, we didn’t see your face,

These feelings we long to feel will be impossible to replace.

We will always think of you, you’ll always be around,

In Kari's summer garden, and in Clint's fresh cut hay on the ground.

Little baby Nolan, I can’t even begin explain,

How excited I was for “Auntie” to be a part of my name.

I was so excited to meet you, and do so many things,

We’ll never get to do them, since you now have wings. 

I wanted to make Christmas cookies, and take pictures of you and your cousin,

I wanted to kiss you and snuggle with you, give you all sorts of lovin’.

Your mommy and daddy had even more dreams for you,

Your mommy bought you the cutest clothes, most of them were blue.

A homemade crib and dresser set were being made for your nursery,

Your daddy would only have the best for his little baby.

So many dreams and thoughts, plans to love you and have so much fun,

The future will be difficult, your mom and dad will always miss their son.

I promise to take care of your mommy and your dad,

I’ll do everything I can to make them a little less sad.

Even though I promise I’ll do everything, I’ll try,

No matter what they’ll always miss you, their baby in the sky.

They’ll miss you every day, every minute, every hour,

But all of us here will pray for them, to regain their strength and power.

We’ll think of you and feel you with us, in all the days to come,

Please know you are and always will be, a beloved nephew and son.